Showing posts with label Chuck Weis is a fatass. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Chuck Weis is a fatass. Show all posts

Wednesday, December 02, 2009

So long Bobby & don’t let the door hit you in the ass, Charlie

So the coaching carousel started with a whirl with the not so surprising firing of Notre Dame coach Charlie Weis and the "retirement" of Florida State coach and Paterno win-record nemesis Bobby Bowden.

As I stated last week, Chuck Weis will be missed because watching Notre Dame flounder in mediocrity has been delicious schadenfreude. He was the gift that kept on given, every time he opened his mouth something unbelievably arrogant came out only to have mother universe bitch slap him for it. My favorite comment had to be about Paterno and coaching from the press box. When Chuck injured his knee he was asked by a reporter if he would coach from the press box like Paterno did when he injured his knee much in the same way. Charlie's response was "I'm too important to coach from the press box," as if Paterno isn't an important part of his coaching staff. The sheer joy of seeing ole' fat ass sitting in the press box the next week was something I'll never forget.

Bobby Bowden will be missed but for a much different reason. Yeah, Bowden was just a figurehead and yes he was definitely out next season but the unceremonious shove out the door is sad. Let's be realistic, Bowden wanted to come back next season but the administration had enough. Bowden's ACC record was .500 the last four seasons since the Seminoles won their last conference title. There was a lot of speculation and rumor that FSU was going to allow Bowden to come back for one more year if he was willing to give total control to coach in waiting Jimbo Fisher. Personally I think that's BS, I think the administration wanted a clean start and they weren't waiting another year. Although I've always felt Paterno deserves the win record more, because he coached at the same university his entire career and never coached at a school that is not a Div I school, I was hoping the two would go neck and neck and retire at the same time, but that's not going to happen. Say what you want about Bobby Bowden, it was a fun race and it was something that will never happen again. We will never see two life-long college coaches devote their lives to the school they are coaching, that kind of loyalty no longer exists in our "what have you done for me lately" society. We'll never see two universities put up with their head coaches going through tough years like Florida State and Penn State. No, in the future they will be canned long before they get a chance to redeem themselves. Fired, or as the talking suits like to say in the uncaring business climate of today: "go in a different direction," whatever the hell that means.

So Paterno gets his record and Florida State gets their coach and the lifelong race to the top is over not with the dignified pomp and circumstance it deserves but with a brusque whimper. The only silver lining on this dark cloud is that Bowden gets to ride off into the sun; he will coach his last game in FSU's bowl game. School officials are trying to get the ACC to allow Florida State to play West Virginia (where he coached as an OC and a head coach) in one of the Florida bowls, either the Gator Bowl or the Champs Sports Bowl. I hope for the sake of all that is still good in the world of college football, the ACC and the bowls put aside greed for once and grant Bobby his wish.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Happy Thanksgiving from TNL

Before we run off and enjoy the busiest drinking night of the year* and then stumble out of bed around the crack of noon to gorge ourselves on Meleagris gallopavo and Pumpkin Pie**, we would like to wish everyone a Happy and Safe Thanksgiving.

With that in mind I would like to give you my list of things I'm thankful for in 2009 (not in any coherent order):

  • Football

    Of course this goes without saying, I would not have started this blog had I not loved football, but this year was a really good year. Think about it, we saw underdog programs like TCU, Boise, and Cincinnati crash the BCS party making a mockery of a sham of a system. USC lost their usual head scratcher of a game and then got unceremoniously dumped from the Pac 10 race by none other than Stanford and their flamboyant coach by a score the likes of which was never before witnessed by Trojan players. Both Michigan and Notre Dame teased the mindless drones of the media early in the season making them take notice and begin salivating before getting flushed down the shitter. Admit it, the heart attack kids from Iowa were a fun bunch to watch, yeah you knew they would eventually loose but watching the miracle comebacks week after week was extremely entertaining. Pitt is once again relevant and you know what that means this offseason: talks of "the rivalry" will certainly pass the time. All in all, not a bad season of football and I for one am thankful

  • Charlie Weis and Dick Rod
  • Speaking of Michigan and Notre Dame, how could you not love these two guys? And by love I mean how can you not love to watch two programs you love to hate, that once loved these guys, fall flat on their faces. It's a cornucopia of schadenfreude. The total arrogance of Weis with his flaunting of his super bowl rings, his now famous "9-3 isn't good enough" line after his first season, the botched gastric bypass and the corresponding FAILed malpractice lawsuit, he's the gift of FAIL that keeps on FAILing and it couldn't happen to a more arrogant school with a more arrogant fan base. I'm going to miss that fat bastard.

    Then there's Rodriguez, the man that was going to bring the spread to Michigan and take the Big Ten by storm. Two seasons a record of 8-16 and a last place finish in the Big Ten this year' how's that working out for ya, Michigan fans? Rodriguez was Penn State's answer to "the streak" and how can I not be thankful for that? Thanks Dick Rod.

  • Fantasy Football

    Yes Fantasy Football is very frustrating and no I haven't won dick in half a decade now but it's still fun to play. If it were not for fantasy football I wouldn't even watch the Pros. But thanks to it, every Sunday I'm at my local watering hole that has 10 TV's and the NFL ticket bouncing around from TV to TV like a drunken butterfly following my players. I honestly don't even have a team to root for; I just pray that the game in which my QB is playing goes into overtime so I get those bonus points.

  • Boobs

    Yeah it's juvenile but I can't help myself; there are two things that make anything better, Boobs and bacon. I'm 36 years old and yet there's nothing that can get my attention like boobs. In fact, if only for a very short time, when I see these they trump everything else on my list. The male fixation with boobs is primal, now I can't explain it but if you want an explanation here's a great book that can (it's also the best book I read in 2009). Hey, there's a reason I read Boiled Sports and that's Sideboob Friday.

  • DVR

    Still don't know how I lived without this thing. Record your series of shows you like, watch them whenever you like. Best… invention… ever.

  • Beer

Always have been and always will be thankful for beer. We can sit and wax poetically about which beer is the best but at the end of the day we all love it.
"The mouth of a perfectly happy man is filled with beer."- Egyptian Proverb
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." - Benjamin Franklin
"Beer: The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems."- Homer Simpson
Happy Thanksgiving from TNL everyone!

*no really the night before Thanksgiving is one of the best selling and busiest nights for bars and clubs

**by the way, this is how pumpkin pie is made:

Friday, September 04, 2009

Best wishes Chuck Weis!

This is awesomeness at totally new levels.

And what makes it even more delicious is that it was paid for by a former Irish linebacker who lettered in 1967.

Reynolds is a retired college marketing professor who lettered for the Irish in 1967. He claims to represent roughly 50 former Irish football players, mostly from his era, who are like-minded in their opinion of Weis' 29-21 record after four seasons.

Yeah but… fun's over.

Burkhart Advertising, which leases billboard space, on Thursday took down a controversial billboard poking fun at Notre Dame head football coach Charlie Weis.
Notre Dame officials deny having anything to do with having the billboard removed.

Uh huh.

Monday, December 22, 2008

Matchup Comparison Rating: the gearing up for Christmas edition

The first bowl games are in the bag so it's time to move along to the pre-Christmas games that whet your football-watching whistle for the games to come. Think of these as the stuffing in the turkey; delicious sure, but not as filling as the actual main course yet to come. As always we start by defining the MCR scale.

San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia
(9) Boise State
(12-0) at (11) TCU (10-2)
Dec. 23, 8 PM - ESPN

A word from our sponsor: As the name suggests the San Diego County Credit Union is a financial institution wholly owned by its members but its claim that "earnings are returned to members in the form of lower loan rates, higher dividends on deposits and lower fees" doesn't really hold water when you consider the gianormous amount of money they had to fork over to have their name attached to a bowl.

On the field: Congrats Boise State, you are one of two undefeated teams left in the country! No really you should be proud, if it were not for the God-awful system we use to decide the national champ you might actually be playing in a meaningful game and not on December 23rd. Actually this looks to be a very awesome matchup and should not be relegated to such a crappy timeslot but here we are. Boise State has the 12th-ranked offense in the nation, averaging 39.4 points a contest and TCU has the second-ranked scoring defense, holding opponents to 10.9 points per game. The Horned frogs also have the top-ranked rushing defense while Boise boasts the third best scoring defense in the nation holding opponents to 12.3 points per game. TCU has the nation's best time of possession margin and the 13th best rushing attack. On paper this thing should be a barn-burner. Frogs D-end Jerry Hughes leads the nation with 14 sacks and 18 ½ tackles for loss, and you thought Aaron Maybin was good. TCU's two losses? No. 2 Oklahoma and No. 10 Utah; it's going to be good, shame on you if you don't watch.

+2 two statistically stout teams
+1 matchup of two teams in the top 15
+1 chance to see an undefeated team
+1 statue of liberty play anyone?!?!

MCR 5 (Super Atomic Hot Wings)

(7-6) vs. Notre Dame (6-6)
Dec. 24, 8:00 PM - ESPN

A word from our sponsor: Sheraton Hotels & Resorts has reached a multi-year and multi-faceted agreement with ESPN Regional Television to become the title sponsor of the fourth annual Hawai'i Bowl.

I'm not entirely sure how the agreement can be "multi-faceted" but there you go. Other corporate sponsors besides ESPN and Sheraton: Heineken and Outback Steakhouse. That pretty much sounds like a deal with the devil if you ask me.

On the field: Hey look, Notre Dame is actually in a bowl they deserve and not grossly outmatched, how refreshing. If it were not for the chance to see Notre Dame lose its 10th straight bowl game and end with a losing season this game would not be much to watch. We're talking about a matchup of the 63rd and 73rd best offenses and 108th and 99th best rushing attacks. Golden boy Jimmy Clausen completed about as many passes to the opposing defense as he did to his own guys (20 TD's 17 INT's). Neither team boasts a running back with more than 576 yards or a wide receiver with 1000. Basically you'll tune in to see fat-ass Chuck Weis lose again and that's all.

-1 two horrible offenses
+2 Schadenfreude
+1 possibility of seeing Chuck Weis in a Mumu

MCR 2 (Microwave Diner)

Florida Atlantic
(6-6) vs. Central Michigan (8-4)
Dec. 26 7:30 PM – ESPN

A word from our sponsor: Hey it's a bowl game sponsored by GM and Ford which means it's sponsored by you and me thanks to the tax payer bailout. It's also sponsored by ESPN but what isn't these days?

On the field: Central Michigan has a fondness for the Motor City Bowl as this will be their third straight appearance. FAU started out 1-5 but won 5 of their final 6 games including a bowl-clinching 57-50 overtime win over Florida International. Central Michigan ranks 24th in offensive yards per game at 427.1 and is led by quarterback Dan "I have a" LeFevour who leads the team in passing and rushing. LeFevour is familiar with this bowl, he was the 2006 Motor City Bowl MVP. Wide receiver Antonio Brown is LeFevour's favorite target and he's also the recipient of the MAC's best special-teams player award. Legendary FAU coach Howard Schnellenberger is 5-0 all-time in bowl games and will look to keep that streak alive. Florida Atlantic has a top defensive presence in senior linebacker Frantz Joseph, the nation's second-best tackler with 141 to lead the Sun Belt in that category for a second straight season.

-1 .500 team
+1 dual threat quarterback
+1 strong defense

MCR 1 (Woman's Heart)

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Former Foes: the requisite Notre Dame bashing edition

Time, once again, for our weekly look back at Penn State's past competition for one final time. Last time we got to savor a horrific loss by Michigan this time around may even be better thanks in no small part to Syracuse. So how did our former foes do?

Coastal Carolina (6-6)

The chicken failed to score a single point in their 24-0 season finale loss to in-state rival Charleston Southern. The Chanticleers out gained Charleston and held the ball for 20 minutes in a scoreless first half missing two field goals. Charleston Southern scored on the first drive of the second half and never looked back. Coastal threw 4 interceptions and fumbled the ball 3 times losing all 3. When you have 7 turnovers you probably aren't going to win.

Oregon State (8-3)

Against Arizona, Oregon State took over at their own 20 with no timeouts left and trailing 17-16 with 1:19 to play. Backup quarterback Sean Canfield hit Sammie Stroughter for a 47-yard gain on the third play of the drive to put the Beavers at the Arizona 7. Kicker Justin Kahut then hit a 24-yard field goal to win the game and put Oregon State within one win of the Rose Bowl and a rematch against Penn State. OSU lost pint-sized running back Jacquizz Rodgers to a shoulder injury on their second possession and it appears he'll be out for their finale against Oregon.
Next up: Oregon for the Pac-10 title.

Syracuse (2-7) (3-6)

The Orange trailed the entire game but scored with 42 seconds left to take a 24-23 lead on the road against… wait for it… Notre Dame. Offensive genius Chuck Weis could not muster more than 41 yards on the ground against a team that ranks 102 nationally against the run. Oh he tried… he tried like hell… he tried 28 times, and for those keeping score at home that's 1.5 yards per rush. Syracuse stacked the line and made golden boy and emu lookalike Jimmy Clausen beat them and he couldn't. I guess Jimmy will just have to take satisfaction in his two Heismans Heisman big signing bonus NFL contract job at Stuckey's. Schadenfreude cannot begin to describe this game. Notre Dame was a 19 ½ point favorite. It was at South Bend. The Orange trailed 23-10 in the fourth quarter before rallying. The Irish came away with just six points after starting four times inside the Syracuse 23-yard line, including three times in the third quarter when they settled for a field goal. With 7 seconds left, the Irish could have run one last play before attempting a field goal, but Weis opted to go for a 53-yard kick by Brandon Walker, whose career long is 48. Not surprisingly he missed short, nice call fat boy. Now even the press, who seem to get a boner every time Notre Dame is even remotely mentioned, are starting to question Chuck Weis' coaching acumen. Note to the AP: we've been saying he's a fraud from the start, welcome to the club assholes. I'm sure though, this loss is somehow Tyrone Willingham's fault, right Notre Dame fans? For those of you that, like me, are sustained by Notre Dame's pain here are some things to make you thankful this Thanksgiving. Oh and did I mention Penn State beat Syracuse 55-13? Just sayin'.

...and finally irony at it's best (HT: BSD):

Next up: USC – good luck with that one Irish fans.

Temple (4-7)

QB Adam DiMichele threw for a school record six touchdowns and passed for a career-high 370 yards in Temple's 55-52 shootout win over Eastern Michigan. There were 49 points scored in the fourth quarter alone and almost 1000 yards of total offense. WR Bruce Francis caught 9 of DiMichele's 21 completions for 125 yards and a school record 4 touchdowns. The Owls could close out the 2008 season with the most wins since 1990 as they host Akron on Friday.

Next Up: Akron

Illinois (5-7)

Juice Williams was sacked five times as Northwestern used a big fourth quarter punt return to ice the game. With Northwestern leading 16-10 in the fourth quarter, Brendan Smith broke off a punt return to the Illinois 20. Two plays later, Bachér hit Peterman for an 18-yard TD pass with 9:08 left. Illinois trailed at the half 13-0 and never had the lead. The loss ended any hope of a bowl game for Illinois.

Purdue (3-6)

In the battle of the Big Ten basement, Purdue sent Joe Tiller out on a high note whipping Indiana 62-10. The boilermakers jumped out to a 24-0 first quarter lead and never looked back. Purdue amassed 596 yards of offense with 479 of those through the air. QB Curtis Painter threw for 448 yards and 5 touchdowns as two Purdue wideouts hit the century mark (Keith Smith – 136, Desmond not so Tardy – 114). Purdue made no doubt about Tiller's swan song as the Boilermakers opened up with 10 (yes TEN) straight scoring drives.

"Does it get any better than this, I don't know? What a way of finishing the season and finishing a career," Tiller said. "They got me with the bath. My shorts are stuck to me right now, I actually need to go take a shower."

Yes, there's a fitting image to remember Joe Tiller by… his wet shorts. At any rate, good luck Joe catch a cutthroat trout for me.

Wisconsin (7-5)

We go from a team going out with a bang to a team going out with a dull thud. Wisconsin needed overtime and two missed extra-point attempts by Cal-Poly to beat the Football Championship Subdivision team. Cal Poly had a 29-21 lead with 4 minutes to play that would have been a two score lead had they not missed the extra point. Wisconsin drove 89 yards and scored on a P.J. Hill 3-yard touchdown run and then converted the two-point play to send it into overtime. Cal-Poly scored first but missed the extra point leaving the door open for Wisconsin and the walked right through it for the win. Suddenly that 7-5 record doesn't seem as bad as it once might have.

Michigan (3-9)

Ohio State broke open a 14-7 halftime lead scoring 28 unanswered points in the second half of their 42-7 assrape of the Wolverines. Michigan ends one of their worst seasons in school history with a terrible loss to their bitter rival for the fifth straight time. Terrelle Pryor threw two TD passes and Beanie Wells rushed for 134 yards and THE ohio state defense held Michigan to 198 total yards.

Next up: Self loathing and depression

Iowa (8-4)

Shonn Greene set Iowa's single-season rushing record with an exclamation point. Greene rushed for 144 yards and two touchdowns in the Hawkeye's 55-0 shutout of Minnesota. Ricky Stanzi passed for 255 yards and three touchdowns as Iowa exposed the fraud that is Minnesota. The Gophers were held to 134 yards of total offense and turned the ball over 3 times. If Greene isn't at least mentioned in Heisman conversations there's something wrong with the universe.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Big Ten Bloggers Roundtable: the ‘can’t I get a little respect’ edition

The amazing (I mean really… how can someone write so eloquently about Northwestern? NORTHWESTERN!!) Lake The Posts has called upon us for this week's version of the Big Ten Bloggers Roundtable and when LTP calls you answer. Onward!

The national media is using the Big Ten Conference as a punching bag in 2008 ranking us somewhere between the Big East and the MAC. Based on Ohio State's no-show, Purdue's "APPLE!!!" and Michigan's debacle, it is redemption week in Big Ten Country. However, several teams have very respectable, yet no-name teams (ie. Troy, Central Michigan, Ball State). Tell us how the Big Ten will respond this week in the final week before conference play.

Redemption week in the eyes of the media – no freakin' way. The only way the Big Ten can squelch the negative fervor coming from the SEC-loving media is to actually win the MNC. The only other way they will shut the windbags up is to win every single bowl game at the end of the season and even then I'm not sure it will end. Look, it's posh (and easy and we all know writers like easy) to beat on the Big Ten right now and nothing short of total dominance in the post season will stop the garbage talk. But hey, thanks OSU and Michigan for the effort, you just made us slip somewhere near the Big West conference in some eyes.

As for the actual games this week, Indiana has its hands full with Ball State. Ball State is 19th in the country in scoring after pounding three opponents and they're closest margin of victory was 12 points. Central Michigan amazingly has a statistical edge in the passing department but they rank 71st in scoring so Purdue will probably blitz them at home. Troy doesn't stand a chance against a pissed off Ohio State team even thought they come in 2-0 after blowout wins over cupcakes… mmmmmm cupcakes.

The conference standings look like someone took the 2007 results and flipped it upside down. Which of the undefeated teams are contenders and which are pretenders (another way of saying which teams have put lipstick on a pig)? Recalibrate your preseason rankings and tell us who the conference favorites are now.

Ah yes preseason rankings have now become preconference rankings. To say that Ohio State is somehow not the favorite to win the conference before a single conference game is played is a tad on the audacious side. THEosu is still the team to beat and Wisconsin by way of schedule is sitting firmly in second. They get a week off before heading to Michigan then get THEosu and PSU at home (both night games). Get by those three and they'll probably run the table. Third would have to be Penn State simply because they've gang raped every patsy they've faced so far but that November schedule of Wisconsin, Michigan, and THEosu, two of which are on the road and at night, will probably prove to be their downfall. You know what, now that I look at it my preseason rankings have changed a damn bit, man I'm a stubborn son of a bitch.

Javon Ringer has emerged as the early season best-bet Heisman hopeful from the Big Ten. Real deal or non-conference smoke screen? Does anyone from the Big Ten have a prayer for the Heisman, or is it too late?

Javon Ringer? Really?!? Ah I don't think so. Look Ringer is looking great and he may end up being the best running back in the conference but he's from Michigan State and unless Spary rips through the conference, gains national media exposure, and Ringer saves a bus load of nuns from certain doom, you won't see him even invited to the Heisman party. Now that THEosu has flushed their hopes of a third straight BCS championship bitchslap assrape SEC gangbang invite down the shitter, Bennie is pretty much out of it and that was the conference's best chance at a Heisman.

After three weeks it is time to give your team a new slogan. What is it and why is it what it is?

Slogans? What am I a marketing dumbass? I'll let the wonders of the intertubes do my work for me, I logged-on (web surfing technical term) to The Advertising Slogan Generator webby-doohickey (also web surfing technical term) and typed in "HD" and here are my favorites:

HD Unscripted – Can you really think of a better way to describe Jay Paterno's game planning?

Wait till we get our HD on you – yes tremble in fear of the HD… FEAR US!!

HD – the appetizer – Can you think of a better way to describe Penn State' schedule to this point?

Honorable mention
Chocolate HD since 1911 – Really… what the fuck?!?! I laugh every time I read it, but that's just me.

By now, you've likely adopted a favorite non Big Ten team to watch. Flex your football worldliness by convincing your fellow Big Ten kool-aid drinkers to watch your "other" team.

Well to be honest I'm a crabby motherfucker so instead of adopting a team to watch and root for I would much rather feel the hate and root against teams. In that light here is a list of teams I love to hate on any given Saturday.

Notre Dame – is an explanation really necessary? Charlie Weis taking one on the sideline last week almost made my year. I mean 855 year old Joe Paterno takes a direct shot from two football players and almost walks off the field under his own power but 855 pound Charlie Weis gets brushed up against, loses his balance, and shreds his knee requiring a battalion of slaves to haul his fat ass around for the rest of the year. Awesome.

South Florida
Florida State
Florida - really is there anyone not from the state of Florida that likes any team from the state of Florida? I didn't think so.

Texas A&M
Texas Tech – there's only two things that come from the state of Texas…

USCNeed I say more?

Brigham Young – The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints – like religion but different.

Oregon – come see our uniform of the week!

Kansas – any school that is perennial power in basketball should be widely detested by college football fans, it's just natural.

West Virginia – West Fucking Virginia? Rednecks are fun to watch but let's not give them a reason to burn their trailers down.

Fresno State – Ok I'll admit I do root for Fresno State, a good reason? This guy.

How can you not love Pat Hill?